Rules of a Rock and Roll Musician
-by Carey Ziegler
1. Never, ever get Blue Cross and Blue Shield. You are not going to live past 50 anyway.
2. If you get a request to play "Freebird", always have somebody in the audience come up to sing it. Make sure the band plays it in different keys. This will do the song justice.
3. If someone in the crowd says you suck, tell them you will get up in the morning, fight the rush hour traffic, go to their job, sit there and criticize their work. Then give them ten bucks to go buy a personality.
4. If the club is dead one night while you are playing, tum up the volume and get fired. You don't need them; they need you.
5. If #4 doesn't work, do about a 15-minute drum solo, that ought to wrap things up.
6. Bring as many people as possible into your dressing room during breaks. Take what anybody puts in front of you. This separates the men from the boys.
7. Make sure all roadies make more money than the musicians. This will keep harmony in the road crew and will also assure you that your equipment will be functioning the next night.
8. When hiring people for your road crew, make sure they have criminal records. Picking up loose pieces of equipment that don't belong to you will definitely make your band look and sound better.
9. Before playing, have a member of the road crew put flash powder in all the ash trays in the club. You've been entertaining people long enough. Now it's your turn to be entertained.
10. If your band has employed a female singer, YOU MUST HAVE HER. This will cause problems within the band. This is good. Replace her with another girl and start all over again. Remember, you are living up to your reputation as a rock and roll scumbag.
11. When you pick up a girl at the club, walk her out to your '66 Plymouth with rust holes, tell her your Z-28 was demolished by a drunk driver and you don't want car payments. Then tell her that in a couple of months you will have the cash for a new corvette. She'll get in.
12. When the gig is over and you can hardly stand up, in your drunken stupor explain to the band how much you love them and that you'll really get down into heavy rehearsal next week. Of course, this will never happen after all, your motto is "If it’s working, don't fix it!